Last week, after spending a day drinking coffee and binging on Almond Joy Pieces while trying to write a philosophy paper, I lapsed into a fever-induced hallucination. In this hallucination, I had a vision. This vision haunts my dreams. At moments of quiet reflection, when I think that I am at peace, it emerges as if from nowhere and attacks my solitude like a drunken stepfather barging into your room late at night to tell you about how hot your mom is.
It all started with this image.
At first, I thought it was just a basic picture of Peter Gallagher, but then I noticed something. Those eyebrows, while easily his most distinguishing feature, are more than just unnaturally thick and lustrous.
Look closely. They are moments away from gaining sentience.
Upon realizing this, I could envision what was inevitable:
Each of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows would become sentient at the same moment, for they are equal in depth and size. At first, they would need to get accustomed to their own consciousness, and would spend weeks, if not months, watching from their perch atop Gallagher’s mighty brow. Unable to communicate with the world or each other, they would each form distinct, powerful interpretations of life.
The left eyebrow would see the world as essentially ordered, and would see the unfolding of history as determined. He would see people as being parts of a great mechanism of history, and their actions would be products of fate.
The right eyebrow, having a different perspective than the left (that is, one that is slightly to the right of it), saw the world as essentially chaotic. Nothing fit together for the right eyebrow, and nothing was pre-destined. Nothing was connected, the world was simply a mess of actions.
By the time both eyebrows were able to communicate with each other, they were already firmly grounded in their own world views. Their initial conversation (which was had while Gallagher and the three women he had bedded that night were in a deep sleep) did not go well. Both declared their intents to take control of Gallagher and use his fame and rugged yet boyish good looks to pursue their own goals. The right eyebrow, who had taken the name Johnathan, wanted to enter the political realm, as he felt that society was unjust, and he felt he could correct that. The left eyebrow, now named Pedro, wanted to use Gallagher’s fame and natural dexterity to become an artist, and work to subvert social and cultural norms in an attempt to remake it in his own image.
You can already see the inner tempest beginning to rage.
The battle that ensues is an epic one. Johnathan is victorious at first, but refuses to kill Pedro because of his sense of moral duty. Johnathan takes control of Gallagher easily, as Gallagher himself is a frail, weak-willed man. The newly formed Johnagher immediately announces his candidacy for president and pours all of Gallaghers “OC” money into his campaign. Through the combination of Johnathan’s wit and linguistic cunning and Gallagher’s chiseled good looks, Johnagher is able to claw his way to the top of the republican party. While doing so, Johnagher not only joins forces with Sarah Palin, but the two fall in love.
6 months before the election, however, Pedro, who had been biding his time and gaining strength, makes his move. In a dramatic and and explosive move, Pedro manages to take control of Gallagher during a debate on national television. The newly formed Galladro immediately removes his shirt and begins shouting profanities into the microphone and then attacking the moderator. The cameras continue to roll as Galladro then pulls a screaming Sarah Palin into view from offstage and proceeds to strip her naked and paint the message “Chaos Reigns” across her disappointingly haggard breasts.
Galladro then looks as if he is going to ritualistically sacrifice Palin on live television, but at this moment both Johnathan and Gallagher team up and over-power Galladro, and in the ultimate act of double-self-sacrifice, hurl Gallagher’s body out of a nearby window and plunging 25 stories to their death. Before Gallagher’s perfectly proportioned body collides with the cement truck that is parked below, however, we can here the distinct, hyena-like cackle of Pedro, leaving us all to wonder if this had been what he had planned all along.
I tell this story not for entertainment, but as a warning. We must stop these events from happening. I can predict nothing less than complete social and cultural collapse after these events, as one of our most rustically beautiful and artistically relevant figures will be taken from us. Therefore, at this point I must announce my campaign, please join me if you care at all about the future of our children.
WE MUST SHAVE PETER GALLAGHER’S EYEBROWS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
They Watch. They Wait.