Look, I fully realize that call this feature “weekly” is bordering on downright fraud, but bear with me on this. I was busy with work, then I was on vacation, and then I spent a week being lazy for no good reason. It’s my artistic process, and if you don’t get it, then I’m not going to let you borrow my argyle sweaters or crash on my futon.*
The point is I’m back, and I’m going to try to get this back to being a weekly occurrence (much like my rendezvous with your collective moms – SNAP) Alright, enough about me boning your moms, let’s get down to it.
I don’t know what it is like in other areas, but in the lower mainland of BC, you can’t go from one town to another without seeing at least three billboards of this Simon Cowell monstrosity. Look at that shit – what is going on with his eyes! What is that expression supposed to be? Happy? Smug? Some strange combination of constipated and horny? Every time I see this picture, it’s like I can feel Simon Cowell’s hot, overrated breath on the nape of my neck. Who approved this thing? What am I supposed to get from it? Jesus, I just can’t stop looking at that pedo-smirk.
I can’t figure out the connection between “X FACTOR” and whatever it is his face is doing here. If the billboard read, “I want to smell your face”, or “Free Parseltongue Lessons” , then at least it would make sense. Is it too much to ask that I be able to drive to work or school without being eye-fucked by a greasy music producer? I honestly don’t even really know what the X Factor is, but I can only assume that every episode involves Simon Cowell “accidentally” letting a silk robe fall open while drinking a glass of sherry.
Seeing as how I can’t seem to let this go, I’ve decided to hold a contest around it. Leave a comment on this post with your suggestion of what should be written on the billboards instead of “X FACTOR”. Whoever has the best one will get to plug something in the next post – this can be something that you have done yourself, or just something you want to show other people. Keep in mind, if it is NSFW, it will be labelled as such, and I reserve the right to offer my own commentary or warning if you decide to plug a gif of sailor moon blowing garfield (or whatever it is the kids are into these days) or something along those lines. I’ll announce the winner in the comments before next week’s post, so check back to see if you’ve won, at which point you can make your plug.
*I have neither of these things.