Disturbing Truths, pt. 3: George Lucas

As many of you know, Star Wars has recently been re-re-re-released. All six movies have been upgraded to the newest digital medium. As anyone that has read about this probably already knows, George Lucas has once more made some changes to all six of them. Now, I’m not a big Star Wars fan, nor am I all that conservative about movies. I don’t really care one way or another if Lucas wants to tweak, insert, re-cut, or slow down a scene. It’s his movie, he can do what he wants to it.

I cut my movies like I cut my beard - incomprehensibly

However, not long ago, while bored (read: avoiding homework), I decided to look up just what Lucas had decided to change this time. What I found was disturbing.

He’s been consistently modifying these movies since they came out! Now, I understand that film makers like to go back and perfect their vision (Blade Runner is a good example of a director doing this) – but for 30 years? Something else is going on here. I, being an unyielding advocate for truth – a Knowledge Warrior, you might say – decided that I needed to once again use my expertise in research and intuiting plausible explanations ( previous examples of this here and here) to get to the bottom of Lucas’ obsession.

At first, it seemed as though he was just making the odd tweak here and there. If you go through that list, though, you will notice a very concerning trend. I was alarmed at the sheer amount of changes that he has made to these movies, so I called in sick to work for a few days and told my family, friends, and girlfriend that I was going on a vision quest while I rented a motel room and spent the weekend drinking mountain dew in the dark and surfing the internet. While searching the depths of some pretty intense and obscure Star Wars forums (surprisingly – if you go deep enough into forums, there is more talk about naked Chewbacca than naked Leia). At first, all I found were heated debates over blue vs green light sabres and whether or not jar jar binks was meant to distract the audience from how truly awful everything else in Episode 1 was.

Still better than a trade dispute plotline in a space fantasy

Eventually, though, I found some fragments of truth: A letter from George to his father, a half written draft of a manifesto scribbled onto a KFC napkin, and well over a gigabyte of images stolen from George’s personal laptop (most of which are burned into my brain and will live forever in my nightmares). It wasn’t immediately apparent, but after some careful studying, astutely applied deductive reasoning, and about 3 and a half ounces of pure peyote, I discovered that George Lucas is in the process of changing the Star Wars trilogy into an 11 hour home video of himself playing with action figures and quietly sobbing.

I’m not sure why he wants to do this. Maybe it was his plan all along, or maybe he has finally lost it after years of ingesting nothing but cash, gravy soaked caviar, and whatever get stuck in his beard.Some think that his final plan is to complete the new version of the films and then submit them Cannes Film Festival under the pseudonym “G. L. Ucass”. Cannes will no doubt adore the film and praise it as ” a touching, post-modern take on  gender roles and the current developmental zeitgeist”. After the film wins the Palme d’or, Lucas will have success in main stream culture, nerd culture, and indie/pretentious culture – and once he has done this, all we can hope is that his insatiable hunger for power, fame, and status will be satiated. If not, he will likely turn his attention to the world of sports, with his 3d-outer-space-time traveling remake of “Rudy”.

I don’t know if that is true, but what I do know is true is that: George Lucas is slowly transforming the Star Wars movies into an 11 hour epic movie of himself, alone, crying while playing with dolls.

I wish I could give you the links and details as to how I figured this out, but it is far to complicated, dangerous, and convenient for me to do so.What does our mascot have to say about all of this?

Seems pretty far-fetched

Oh, what the hell do you know, Fat Joker

What was that about KFC?

There we go.

Don’t forget to donate to make my friends suffer/cure cancer!


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