Guest Feature: Honest Sex Advice for the Young and Horny, pt. 1

Rory is a good friend of mine, and when he isn’t screwing up in various ways simultaneously or not returning my calls, he writes some funny and insightful pieces on whatever topics strike his fancy.  This is one that I think we can all enjoy. I have split it into two parts because, well, I felt like it. It has more content and substance than Twilight, so if they can do it, so can I.

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This is for you


My sex advice for the virginious teenager

 
From 13 – 22 years, life is a long journey into how to be around naked things without violating a law. Some are successful, most are me. Nevertheless, a lack of reinforcement does strictly nothing to change the teenage sexual narrative. And don’t tell me it’s just men. Women dress it up in different ways, but twilight and every chick flick for teens is still a sexual narrative. Everything from fashion and music is built on a hot bed of sexual anticipation. A lot of this capitalizes on the fact that it’s anticipation. Most 16 years old have no idea about sex. Since sex education isn’t going to get into the gritty details, it’s left to me alone. So here’s some things you should know.

1. Sex isn’t that great.

 

It's better than this though, I swear

The fact is, not having sex is way more terrible than having sex is great. Let me put it this way, if you’re drowning, breathing is just a pack of personal santas; its the goddamn bee’s knees. So you get to the surface and breathe and that’s awesome, but it immediately blends into the pattern of your life. It’s not that you don’t like breathing, it’s just drowning people will envy it a lot more than you’ll revel in it. Sex is the same way, when you go without for a long time your boner is a gas powered air raid siren that seems to wake the whole neighbourhood. Then you have sex and immediately are able to go about your day. Which is why a lot of people will talk more about wanting to lose virginity or needing to get laid than actually losing it or getting laid. On the other side you have some perspective, on the virginal side, it’s a crotch full of town criers.

2. There is no “ladies man” that can talk down a bad day at work.

LIES

Sex is more than just physical movement. People have to be, and stay, in the mood. The cliche is women are never in the mood and men are always in the mood. There’s some truth to this but it’s actually more true that people are usually in varying states of the mood that rarely line up.

So, maybe the lady is all fuzzy eyed and the dude is angry at traffic, then no sex is going to happen. Maybe she is feeling sexy but got a bad night’s sleep, well then she’s going to bed and no sex. The point is that candles and Barry White don’t make a person less fatigued or stressed. Nothing kills a sex drive faster than a research paper being due in 2 hours. Sometimes it’s an adjustable mood so a massage or something helps, but for the most part, it’s really a variety of distracting and consuming life experiences. So, as a young virgin, don’t expect that being a real “ladies man” or “man eater” or whatever is going to pot your plant every weekday. Most people like sex most of the time but liking sex enough to fuck at the same time as someone else is trickier.

3. Sex is exhaustingly complicated to do even reasonably well.

Pictured: Sex

Which brings us to the next point. The main reason you can’t chat down a headached partner or a sleepy person is because sex is blind gymnastics on a waterbed. It’s not pleasurable if you are not up to the task.
There are guys that will tell you hump methods, oral sex methods, cool tricks for foreplay, but here’s a bunch of reasons why that’s a waste of time.
First off, I could read textbooks on how to throw a ball and I guarantee you I’ll still be an embarrassment at pitching. It’s a muscle responsiveness skill. You have to detect subtle changes because one wrong poke can lose the whole sexual mood. (Which, to call back to 2, is another issue. Getting someone into bed is not really enough to guarantee the mood continues.)
Second, mastering every hump and kiss doesn’t make good sex. In fact, the individual sex acts are pretty repetitive. It’s how one strings these things together that makes things work. No guy in the world cares about a great BJ technique if you have no idea how to make his dick hard. Same with women – you can’t just punch it in dry because you know how to hit the g-spot.
Sex is always about figuring out an order that is both somewhat original without being too surprising. It’s the balance between a defined sex pattern (kiss, fondle, missionary insertion, nap) and the surprise anal fisting. All in all, it’s a complex procedure that demands creativity, physical prowess, and energy – and most people aren’t up to things like that all the time.

Get used to this moment, is what I'm saying

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Part 2 will be posted in a couple days. If you enjoyed this article, toss some cash Rory’s way here to help him fight cancer. If you didn’t, donate some money here to make him suffer.


One response to “Guest Feature: Honest Sex Advice for the Young and Horny, pt. 1

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