Guest Feature: Honest Sex Advice for the Young and Horny, pt 2

If you are just tuning in, you should go and read Part 1 first, as it will make the rest of this make more sense. For those of you that are caught up, here is Part 2 of Rory’s sex advice for virgins and the inexperienced, and it starts out with a rather uplifting message.

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4. You’re going to be terrible at sex for a very long time.

"Just...nevermind..."

I think 3 should have established this already, but you are going to be terrible at sex for years. Which is why it’s all the more important you should sleep with people you like and trust. Their lies will be more likely to be trusted and thus less discouraging to you. Oh, and don’t pretend that orgasms reveal your prowess. Orgasms hinge a lot on mood.  I have had terrible orgasmic sex and great non-orgasmic sex. It’s a way more obscure concept.

5. Nobody cares about your dick.

And if they do, it doesn't mean much

Really. They don’t. Big dicks are not indicative of anything but increased risk of cervical bruising. And no, that’s not desirable.

6. Nobody fucks that way.

I think he's trying to climb over her or something

Literally every sex scene I have ever seen is just not at all what sex is like. In movies, the problem is that it has to look nice and capture the feeling of sex. Sex feels quite rhythmic and beautiful. But it actually looks like a warthog with its head stuck in a fence. You are generally swimming in a stew of salty viscous bodily fluids by the end. It’s not a beautiful candlelit montage, it’s a gladiatorial battle of vomiting genitals.
In porn, the problem is mostly positions. Everyone recognizes that the characters are fictional and their attitudes unrealistic. However, I get the impression that a lot of young men and women think that women should be flipped on their side and mounted like a segway. This is done for genital displays and no other reason. Women do not have many nerve bundles on the vaginal wall next to the hip joint. Nobody fucks that way.
The truth is, the way the clit and g-spot are positioned with regards to the male penis, variations on missionary generally work out the best – hence its popularity. That’s not to say you don’t try other things, but none of those other things look like porn positions because your bedroom wall does not need a clear view of penetration.

7. Do some situps.

We all know what Yoga is really about

Good sex is not lazy in and out speed fucking. It’s a slower more careful and focused hump. For guys, it’s like trying to thread a needle 50 times a minute with 30 lb weights hanging on your wrist. For girls, it’s like trying to paint the ceiling with a pole while lying down. It’s goddamn hard, is what I’m saying.

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And there we have it.  I feel I should say that while searching for images for this post, I had to google “censored porn” – while doing this, I may have come upon one of the greatest images ever. I guess you could say it is NSFW, so I put it on the next page. Enjoy.

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