The 5 types of people in a Vancouver Snowfall

Well, we were all waiting for it, and now the first (and probably only) major snowfall in the Vancouver area has arrived. While a decent dumping of snow is not entirely common for Vancouver, it is not all that irregular, either. One thing that is regular, however, is the people you will encounter during a snowfall around here. To make it easier for you, I have compiled a list of 5 of the most common characters that will show themselves during the brief period that there is snow in the lower mainland.

The Snow Pixie

Profile: 15-44 years old. Almost exclusively female. The snow pixie will immediately become overcome with joy and jubilation at the first sight of snow, and will announce this to the world in as many ways as possible.

What you’ll see online:  Statuses/Tweets such as. “OMG GOD YOU GUYS! SNOW!” or, “snoooowwww yayyyyy!!!”; pictures taken through a kitchen window of said snow; links to Youtube videos of snow; cartoons about snow; the occasional picture of the pixie actually near the snow, many more pictures of The Pixie at clubs, parties, or passed out on floors.

What you’ll see outside: You won’t see the pixie much. The snow pixie doesn’t drive, which partially explains the unrestrained joy that it feels, as it doesn’t need to feel anxiety about navigating the roads.

The 4X4er

Profile: 21-28 years old. Almost exclusively male. The 4x4er relies solely on his ability to own and drive a truck to provide him with an identity. He will take the the snowfall to be an opportunity to shout at you about how much better of a person he is because of his purported ability to deal with the snow.

What you’ll see online: Statuses/Tweets such as, “Guys, seriously, if you don’t know how to drive in the snow, just stay home. Let the big boys deal with this”, or “News flash, slamming on the breaks won’t help you in a skid. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drive”. Note – this is one of the only times you will see this person online, save for the occasional photo album of some off-roading, or pictures their new suspension system.

What you’ll see outside: The 4x4er is the one that will go careening past you, going 100km/h in an 80 zone and spraying your windshield with dirty snow while you secretly hope they lose control and wrap themselves around a pole.

The Snow Snob

Profile: Over 17 years old, male or female. The Snow Snob lives anywhere in Canada except the lower mainland of BC, and will jump at the chance to mock Vancouverites for their inability to deal with any amount of snow.

What you’ll see online: Statuses/ Tweets such as, “Lol, can’t wait to hear the news about all the cars in ditches in Vancouver”, or “Aw, Vancouver thinks it’s snowing lol. Come to Alberta, we’ll show you some real snow”; Links to news stories about car accidents and school closures in Vancouver due to snow.

What you’ll see outside: You won’t see The Snow Snob until they inevitably visit or move here so that they can be in a place where they can survive in a light jacket and pants for 85% of the year, and don’t need to buy new suspension for their car every 6 months because of the dog-sized potholes in all the roads.

The Hazard

Profile: 18-28 years old. Male or Female. Typically a student, blogger, or overall failure. We are the ones that, for whatever reason (usually laziness, procrastination, poverty, or some combination of the three), did not bother to get winter tires. We may have opted for all-seasons, but chances are we are driving on 2 year-old rain tires.

What you’ll see online: Statuses/ Tweets such as, “Shit. Snow. I’m fucked”; Pictures of our cars post-accident; private messages from us asking for rides to school/work/the bar.

What you’ll see outside: We’ll be the ones driving 55km/hr in an 80 zone, and then casually sliding through a stop sign in a pathetic display of break-pumping and last minute prayer.

The Citizen

Profile: 24 and up. Male or Female. The Citizen has taken the correct precautions for winter, and due to a habit of checking the weather forecast regularly, was aware of the impending snowfall before the rest of us. The Citizen will simply go about their day, shovel their driveway and sidewalk, drive carefully, and maybe take some time to go tobogganing.

What you’ll see online: Statuses/Tweets such as, “Beautiful snowfall. Be careful, everyone.”; Pictures of a snowman they made with their nephew

What you’ll see outside: The Citizen will be the one salting their driveway, throwing snowballs, and doing their best to avoid The 4x4er and The Hazard while on the road. The Citizen is a rare creature – if you see one, try to befriend it so that you may learn from it.

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