Category Archives: Lists

The 5 types of people in a Vancouver Snowfall

Well, we were all waiting for it, and now the first (and probably only) major snowfall in the Vancouver area has arrived. While a decent dumping of snow is not entirely common for Vancouver, it is not all that irregular, either. One thing that is regular, however, is the people you will encounter during a snowfall around here. To make it easier for you, I have compiled a list of 5 of the most common characters that will show themselves during the brief period that there is snow in the lower mainland.

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My (Hungover) Christmas Wish-List

Okay, so, it’s been a busy few weeks for me, as I’m sure it has been for many of you. Between exams and getting ready for Christmas, I have just not had a lot of time to devote to writing about which celebrities I like or hate or giving opinions on things that nobody asked me about. That being said, I wanted to do something nice for the holidays. I should say, however,that because I’ve been so busy, I’ve had to do work at times that I normally wouldn’t. I will admit, at this point,  that I was severely hung over when I wrote the bulk of this post, and I just haven’t had a chance to go over it since then. I don’t want to delay postings this any further though, so here goes. I’m sure it’s fine.

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Why University is a Time-Sucking Vortex that Ruins Lives (But I love it)

Just replace that apple with liquor

As all of you have undoubtedly noticed, it has taken me longer than usual to do a post. This hasn’t been for lack of trying or inspiration, it has simply been because it’s exam time. For me, that means devoting about 30% more time to school work, and about 45% more time to sitting in a room alone and having anxiety about school work. With that in mind, here is why I think University can be a life-crushing succubus that eats time and shits Degrees.

1. Weekends

Here is a quick sample of what I assume goes on on Friday nights for everyone that isn’t in school and doesn’t have kids yet.

[Interior; Dance Club. Colourful strobing lights and loud, thumping music playing in the background]

Guy 1: Hey man! pass me another round of drugs and boobs!

Guy 2: Hell yeah, here you go man! I love drugs and boobs! I can’t believe we get to have them every weekend!

Girl 1 : Bring me more penises! Let’s go skydiving!

Girl 2: Yay! Drunk skydiving sex!

All: PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOOUUUSE TONIIIGGGHT!

Okay, that might not be the most accurate representation of what goes on on Friday nights, but when you contrast it with what is going on in my head most Friday nights, you can understand the lack of accuracy. Here’s a sample of a common inner-monologue for me on a Friday night.

[Interior, Dark basement, soft-but noticeable buzz of furnace kicking on and off]

Internal Monologue : …okay…so if we have analytic and synthetic propositions, then a priori truth claims would match…I wonder if anyone has updated facebook…nope…what about twitter….ha, that’s a good tweet from Patton Oswalt, I’ll retweet that…okay, so a priori truth claims come before the proposition…oh, I wonder if TheChive has any new pictures up…

You get the idea.

2. Good at School/Shitty at Life

Not long ago, I was about half way through a rather tough paper where I had to re-state a dense metaphysical position in my own words. I took a break to grab some dinner, but I kept thinking about the paper the whole time. While praising myself for being able to figure out this paper so well, I managed to put a large helping of coleslaw onto my plate and microwave it. I don’t suggest that anyone does this. I was too ashamed to admit my stereotypically nerdy mistake, so I cowered back to my basement and slowly ate the warm mayonnaise and cabbage while seriously re-evaluating my own self-worth.

Point being,  due to the need for me to be in my head so much, I make mistakes like this all the time. See Also: mixing whites with colours (with laundry, I mean, not in busses or classrooms – I’m cool with that), driving well past my exits on the freeway, consistently forgetting at least one thing I need every time I leave the house, and mistaking expired yogurt for sour cream and only noticing it half way through eating a plate of perogies.

I could have easily done this.

3. Shitty Profs

The trouble is, most courses depend entirely on the professor for how enjoyable, informative, and rewarding they are. If you have a good prof, then you’re set. Having a shitty prof, however, is sometimes like having to spend 4 months with an annoying cousin that thinks he’s smarter than you – except this cousin gets to choose 20% of all of your activities for those 4 months, and if you don’t do them to his (usually arbitrary) standards, he gets to jeopardize your future by lowering your GPA.

Yes, shitty bosses suck, and you likely will be with them longer. The difference is, your bosses pay you. Having a shitty professor is like paying 500 bucks for someone to shit in your ears once a week for 12 weeks in a row. For those of you that find this idea appealing – then I suggest taking Sociology.

ohhhhh snap!

4. Everyone hates you / You hate everyone

That epic burn on Sociology brings me to my last point: that anyone who takes their academic studies seriously will eventually regard theirs as the superior one. This is just as much a function of people tending to think that their form of life is the best one, but with academia, you are given more ways to defend this view. This won’t necessarily last forever, but around 2nd year, you may notice yourself becoming dismissive of other areas of study. In the Sciences, Physics like to think it is the truest form of study, followed by chemistry and biology, and they all collectively laugh at the soft or human sciences. All of the humanities arbitrarily favour humanities in general, shrugging off the sciences because they lack heart or passion or whatever. Meanwhile, Math and Philosophy just kind of stand in the corner and mumble about being better than all of them. Oh, and let’s not forget that most people doing vocational training will mock you for completely wasting your time.

If you don’t fall into those traps, you’re still going to be alienated from people who don’t go to school because it takes up so much of your time, and you won’t have that much in common with people that work full time for a living. Bottom line is, after you find the area of study you like and the professors that you like within that study, you are going to be pretty isolated. A lot of people are going to think you’re either an elitist or an idiot, and you’re going to think those people are poor, misguided fools.

Meet your new friends, essentially

So, if you’re a committed University student, you are going to spend most of your time in class, thinking about class, or doing assignments for class. If you don’t like those kinds of activities, you’re going to have a tough go, and at this point, it isn’t the only option for having a viable career.

Why do I do it? Because I wouldn’t rather be doing anything else, really. As for missing out on partying or other opportunities – well, no one parties like University students after exam time – Not because we are better at it, but because we just need it more.


Guest Feature: Honest Sex Advice for the Young and Horny, pt 2

If you are just tuning in, you should go and read Part 1 first, as it will make the rest of this make more sense. For those of you that are caught up, here is Part 2 of Rory’s sex advice for virgins and the inexperienced, and it starts out with a rather uplifting message.

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4. You’re going to be terrible at sex for a very long time.

"Just...nevermind..."

I think 3 should have established this already, but you are going to be terrible at sex for years. Which is why it’s all the more important you should sleep with people you like and trust. Their lies will be more likely to be trusted and thus less discouraging to you. Oh, and don’t pretend that orgasms reveal your prowess. Orgasms hinge a lot on mood.  I have had terrible orgasmic sex and great non-orgasmic sex. It’s a way more obscure concept.

5. Nobody cares about your dick.

And if they do, it doesn't mean much

Really. They don’t. Big dicks are not indicative of anything but increased risk of cervical bruising. And no, that’s not desirable.

6. Nobody fucks that way.

I think he's trying to climb over her or something

Literally every sex scene I have ever seen is just not at all what sex is like. In movies, the problem is that it has to look nice and capture the feeling of sex. Sex feels quite rhythmic and beautiful. But it actually looks like a warthog with its head stuck in a fence. You are generally swimming in a stew of salty viscous bodily fluids by the end. It’s not a beautiful candlelit montage, it’s a gladiatorial battle of vomiting genitals.
In porn, the problem is mostly positions. Everyone recognizes that the characters are fictional and their attitudes unrealistic. However, I get the impression that a lot of young men and women think that women should be flipped on their side and mounted like a segway. This is done for genital displays and no other reason. Women do not have many nerve bundles on the vaginal wall next to the hip joint. Nobody fucks that way.
The truth is, the way the clit and g-spot are positioned with regards to the male penis, variations on missionary generally work out the best – hence its popularity. That’s not to say you don’t try other things, but none of those other things look like porn positions because your bedroom wall does not need a clear view of penetration.

7. Do some situps.

We all know what Yoga is really about

Good sex is not lazy in and out speed fucking. It’s a slower more careful and focused hump. For guys, it’s like trying to thread a needle 50 times a minute with 30 lb weights hanging on your wrist. For girls, it’s like trying to paint the ceiling with a pole while lying down. It’s goddamn hard, is what I’m saying.

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And there we have it.  I feel I should say that while searching for images for this post, I had to google “censored porn” – while doing this, I may have come upon one of the greatest images ever. I guess you could say it is NSFW, so I put it on the next page. Enjoy.


Guest Feature: Honest Sex Advice for the Young and Horny, pt. 1

Rory is a good friend of mine, and when he isn’t screwing up in various ways simultaneously or not returning my calls, he writes some funny and insightful pieces on whatever topics strike his fancy.  This is one that I think we can all enjoy. I have split it into two parts because, well, I felt like it. It has more content and substance than Twilight, so if they can do it, so can I.

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This is for you


My sex advice for the virginious teenager

 
From 13 – 22 years, life is a long journey into how to be around naked things without violating a law. Some are successful, most are me. Nevertheless, a lack of reinforcement does strictly nothing to change the teenage sexual narrative. And don’t tell me it’s just men. Women dress it up in different ways, but twilight and every chick flick for teens is still a sexual narrative. Everything from fashion and music is built on a hot bed of sexual anticipation. A lot of this capitalizes on the fact that it’s anticipation. Most 16 years old have no idea about sex. Since sex education isn’t going to get into the gritty details, it’s left to me alone. So here’s some things you should know.

1. Sex isn’t that great.

 

It's better than this though, I swear

The fact is, not having sex is way more terrible than having sex is great. Let me put it this way, if you’re drowning, breathing is just a pack of personal santas; its the goddamn bee’s knees. So you get to the surface and breathe and that’s awesome, but it immediately blends into the pattern of your life. It’s not that you don’t like breathing, it’s just drowning people will envy it a lot more than you’ll revel in it. Sex is the same way, when you go without for a long time your boner is a gas powered air raid siren that seems to wake the whole neighbourhood. Then you have sex and immediately are able to go about your day. Which is why a lot of people will talk more about wanting to lose virginity or needing to get laid than actually losing it or getting laid. On the other side you have some perspective, on the virginal side, it’s a crotch full of town criers.

2. There is no “ladies man” that can talk down a bad day at work.

LIES

Sex is more than just physical movement. People have to be, and stay, in the mood. The cliche is women are never in the mood and men are always in the mood. There’s some truth to this but it’s actually more true that people are usually in varying states of the mood that rarely line up.

So, maybe the lady is all fuzzy eyed and the dude is angry at traffic, then no sex is going to happen. Maybe she is feeling sexy but got a bad night’s sleep, well then she’s going to bed and no sex. The point is that candles and Barry White don’t make a person less fatigued or stressed. Nothing kills a sex drive faster than a research paper being due in 2 hours. Sometimes it’s an adjustable mood so a massage or something helps, but for the most part, it’s really a variety of distracting and consuming life experiences. So, as a young virgin, don’t expect that being a real “ladies man” or “man eater” or whatever is going to pot your plant every weekday. Most people like sex most of the time but liking sex enough to fuck at the same time as someone else is trickier.

3. Sex is exhaustingly complicated to do even reasonably well.

Pictured: Sex

Which brings us to the next point. The main reason you can’t chat down a headached partner or a sleepy person is because sex is blind gymnastics on a waterbed. It’s not pleasurable if you are not up to the task.
There are guys that will tell you hump methods, oral sex methods, cool tricks for foreplay, but here’s a bunch of reasons why that’s a waste of time.
First off, I could read textbooks on how to throw a ball and I guarantee you I’ll still be an embarrassment at pitching. It’s a muscle responsiveness skill. You have to detect subtle changes because one wrong poke can lose the whole sexual mood. (Which, to call back to 2, is another issue. Getting someone into bed is not really enough to guarantee the mood continues.)
Second, mastering every hump and kiss doesn’t make good sex. In fact, the individual sex acts are pretty repetitive. It’s how one strings these things together that makes things work. No guy in the world cares about a great BJ technique if you have no idea how to make his dick hard. Same with women – you can’t just punch it in dry because you know how to hit the g-spot.
Sex is always about figuring out an order that is both somewhat original without being too surprising. It’s the balance between a defined sex pattern (kiss, fondle, missionary insertion, nap) and the surprise anal fisting. All in all, it’s a complex procedure that demands creativity, physical prowess, and energy – and most people aren’t up to things like that all the time.

Get used to this moment, is what I'm saying

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Part 2 will be posted in a couple days. If you enjoyed this article, toss some cash Rory’s way here to help him fight cancer. If you didn’t, donate some money here to make him suffer.


Things I’ve learned this Week – Plus Announcements!

1. Driving down an extremely foggy highway at 3am while listening to Portishead is not conducive to a stable mental state.

2. I am willing to pay full admission price to watch a 6 minute clip of “The Dark Knight Rises”

3. Pastor’s wives spit.

4. I am growing more and more comfortable with calling teenage boys “punks”

5. All formal models of education can fundamentally be reduced to basic moral statements.

6. It’s a good idea to check who is behind your friend before you point at him and say that he is a member of the Taliban.

7. Pringles are never not good.

8. When strapped for time and creativity, the list format is a cheap, easy way to get a blog post done.

Anouncement 1!

It is my supreme pleasure to announce this blog’s new (and inaugural) mascot: Fat Joker

He’ll be around to offer his invaluable commentary whenever he can. He is an inspiration and an icon of wisdom and good judgement.

Anouncement 2!

We all know that this blog does a lot of good for the world (evidence is pictured above), but I thought it would be a good idea to support some other people doing some good. A couple of friends of mine have decided to do the Ride to Conquer Cancer, which, if you aren’t familiar, is a bike ride from Vancouver to Seattle to raise money for cancer research. They each have to raise $2500 to participate, so they need all the help they can get. If they don’t raise all of it, what they do raise will still go to cancer research, but they want to actually do the ride as well. The story behind their decision to do this is genuinely touching, so go to their team page or their individual pages (Rory, Tamara) to get more information and donate.

If being nice for a goddamn change isn’t a good enough reason for you to donate, how about this: The ride is going to be extremely difficult to both train for and complete, and will likely result in a fair amount of (at least physical) suffering for both of them. I like to see my friends suffering in various ways, so if you want to help me make my friends suffer, while at the same time impressing that girl/guy you are trying to bang, toss these two some cash. Do ittt.

What do you think about this, Fat Joker?

"Needs more chaos. And ham."

Well put.


Weekly Thing – Brought to you by Apple-Bottom Jeans

You know what – screw you guys. I don’t even care. I like Flo Rida, okay? I know he is ridiculous. His name is just Florida with a space for crying out loud. Have you seen his face? His beard looks like it’s made of clay, I’ve never seen anything like it. As much as his music is formulaic, unoriginal, shallow, and downright absurd, I’ll be damned if I don’t wanna dance whenever I hear “Low” or “Club Can’t Handle Me”. Even his new song is catchy – and you absolutely have to watch the video for it. In fact, you know what, here

(Yeah, okay, this is technically a David Guetta song, but Flo Rida is in most of it and it sounds like the rest of his songs, so cut me a break.)

I don’t know who came up with this idea. At some point, someone talked to Flo-Rida or his management or whatever, and was like “hey, so the video is gonna be some DJ’s blowing bubbles with speakers playing the song, and those bubbles will float around the city like zeppelins, and whomever pops them will immediately start dancing like a marionette being operated by someone with MS”. Watch the video – THAT’S THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.

Also, you have to commend a guy who just took the name of the place he was from and made it into a rap name. As I write this, I’m trying to decide which persona I should go with.  It’s either the kind of rock/urban name Vanco-Uver (prounounced like “hover”);  or Map Le Rij, a sort of sexy french/persian folk-rapper. If I get enough votes for one or the other in the comments, we might hear from him in the future.

Here, Flo Rida considers how different his life would be if he was born in Virginia

Updates:

The Comedy Graveyard:

Rape jokes – I hate to do this, but I’ve seen too many assholes do rape jokes just to show off how edgy they are. Same goes for racist jokes -it’s about the context – and if the context is you confusing conventionally offensive terms for humour, then it is the wrong context. We are too desensitized to offensive humour now, so you can’t just fall back on mentioning rape and expect a laugh. This isn’t a moral stance, this is a stance against shitty comedy.  Unless it’s good, or you’re Louis CK or Doug Stanhope, don’t do it.

Still Funny: Jews – sorry guys!

The Shit List:

Bob Odenkirk – I haven’t even seen what he’s done on Breaking Bad, and I don’t care, I know its good. If you ever see his name attached to something – watch it. I’m not even gonna qualify that or explain why. Just fucking do it.