Category Archives: Rants

Hey Homophobes, Time’s up

It’s only been a matter of time, really. So far, in my life,  I have witnessed a slow progression of rational thought winning out over pathetic, sleazy, and out-dated ideology. Recently, there have been several huge boosts, it seems, to the Gay Rights Movement. Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” project took off like no one expected, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” was removed, and hell, even the President of the United States finally came out in favour of gay marriage. Of course, that isn’t to say that terrible things aren’t still happening. Harassment, bullying, violence, and just general douchebaggery towards the LGBT community are all still rampant in North America, let alone the rest of the world. That being said, there is one sector of North American culture that has finally come around, and it is the one that I think signals the coming end for all the ignorant bigot-fucks out there:

The Economic Sector.

Yeah bitch

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Why University is a Time-Sucking Vortex that Ruins Lives (But I love it)

Just replace that apple with liquor

As all of you have undoubtedly noticed, it has taken me longer than usual to do a post. This hasn’t been for lack of trying or inspiration, it has simply been because it’s exam time. For me, that means devoting about 30% more time to school work, and about 45% more time to sitting in a room alone and having anxiety about school work. With that in mind, here is why I think University can be a life-crushing succubus that eats time and shits Degrees.

1. Weekends

Here is a quick sample of what I assume goes on on Friday nights for everyone that isn’t in school and doesn’t have kids yet.

[Interior; Dance Club. Colourful strobing lights and loud, thumping music playing in the background]

Guy 1: Hey man! pass me another round of drugs and boobs!

Guy 2: Hell yeah, here you go man! I love drugs and boobs! I can’t believe we get to have them every weekend!

Girl 1 : Bring me more penises! Let’s go skydiving!

Girl 2: Yay! Drunk skydiving sex!

All: PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOOUUUSE TONIIIGGGHT!

Okay, that might not be the most accurate representation of what goes on on Friday nights, but when you contrast it with what is going on in my head most Friday nights, you can understand the lack of accuracy. Here’s a sample of a common inner-monologue for me on a Friday night.

[Interior, Dark basement, soft-but noticeable buzz of furnace kicking on and off]

Internal Monologue : …okay…so if we have analytic and synthetic propositions, then a priori truth claims would match…I wonder if anyone has updated facebook…nope…what about twitter….ha, that’s a good tweet from Patton Oswalt, I’ll retweet that…okay, so a priori truth claims come before the proposition…oh, I wonder if TheChive has any new pictures up…

You get the idea.

2. Good at School/Shitty at Life

Not long ago, I was about half way through a rather tough paper where I had to re-state a dense metaphysical position in my own words. I took a break to grab some dinner, but I kept thinking about the paper the whole time. While praising myself for being able to figure out this paper so well, I managed to put a large helping of coleslaw onto my plate and microwave it. I don’t suggest that anyone does this. I was too ashamed to admit my stereotypically nerdy mistake, so I cowered back to my basement and slowly ate the warm mayonnaise and cabbage while seriously re-evaluating my own self-worth.

Point being,  due to the need for me to be in my head so much, I make mistakes like this all the time. See Also: mixing whites with colours (with laundry, I mean, not in busses or classrooms – I’m cool with that), driving well past my exits on the freeway, consistently forgetting at least one thing I need every time I leave the house, and mistaking expired yogurt for sour cream and only noticing it half way through eating a plate of perogies.

I could have easily done this.

3. Shitty Profs

The trouble is, most courses depend entirely on the professor for how enjoyable, informative, and rewarding they are. If you have a good prof, then you’re set. Having a shitty prof, however, is sometimes like having to spend 4 months with an annoying cousin that thinks he’s smarter than you – except this cousin gets to choose 20% of all of your activities for those 4 months, and if you don’t do them to his (usually arbitrary) standards, he gets to jeopardize your future by lowering your GPA.

Yes, shitty bosses suck, and you likely will be with them longer. The difference is, your bosses pay you. Having a shitty professor is like paying 500 bucks for someone to shit in your ears once a week for 12 weeks in a row. For those of you that find this idea appealing – then I suggest taking Sociology.

ohhhhh snap!

4. Everyone hates you / You hate everyone

That epic burn on Sociology brings me to my last point: that anyone who takes their academic studies seriously will eventually regard theirs as the superior one. This is just as much a function of people tending to think that their form of life is the best one, but with academia, you are given more ways to defend this view. This won’t necessarily last forever, but around 2nd year, you may notice yourself becoming dismissive of other areas of study. In the Sciences, Physics like to think it is the truest form of study, followed by chemistry and biology, and they all collectively laugh at the soft or human sciences. All of the humanities arbitrarily favour humanities in general, shrugging off the sciences because they lack heart or passion or whatever. Meanwhile, Math and Philosophy just kind of stand in the corner and mumble about being better than all of them. Oh, and let’s not forget that most people doing vocational training will mock you for completely wasting your time.

If you don’t fall into those traps, you’re still going to be alienated from people who don’t go to school because it takes up so much of your time, and you won’t have that much in common with people that work full time for a living. Bottom line is, after you find the area of study you like and the professors that you like within that study, you are going to be pretty isolated. A lot of people are going to think you’re either an elitist or an idiot, and you’re going to think those people are poor, misguided fools.

Meet your new friends, essentially

So, if you’re a committed University student, you are going to spend most of your time in class, thinking about class, or doing assignments for class. If you don’t like those kinds of activities, you’re going to have a tough go, and at this point, it isn’t the only option for having a viable career.

Why do I do it? Because I wouldn’t rather be doing anything else, really. As for missing out on partying or other opportunities – well, no one parties like University students after exam time – Not because we are better at it, but because we just need it more.


Can we all just shut up about Weed already?

First of all, I don’t care if you smoke pot. I don’t care if you smoke it once a week, I don’t care if you smoke it three times a day. I also don’t care if you’ve never even touched a joint in your life (though I pretty much call bullshit if you actually claim that). I just want everyone to shut up about how great/terrible it is and how useless/necessary the prohibition of it is. I don’t care. I don’t care if weed get’s legalized and sold at corner stores tomorrow or if the government institutes a stage 5 Code Hale-storm on it and hunts down every last plant, bud and seed and vaporizes it. I just don’t want to hear the same goddamn arguments over and over again.

It’s not the wonder drug that makes everything better, and it’s not a tool of the drug dealers used to get you hooked on more dangerous stuff. It’s just a goddamn plant that you smoke or eat and it makes you feel funny and think about things a bit differently for a while. If i have to hear one more pot head tell me that it should be legal because it is less dangerous than alcohol, or one more anti-drug advocate tell me that legalizing it will lead to widespread use that will destroy the society, I’m gonna set my own house on fire out of sheer frustration.

Don't make me do it - I like my house

Stoners/Pot-heads/Users:

It's a pot-head. Get it?

Let’s face it, you don’t want it to be legal because it less dangerous than alcohol, and you don’t really care about the possibility of reducing gang involvement in it. You want to smoke it, plain and simple. Stop bullshitting me with your pseudo-logical arguments and claims that it is for the good of society or the nation. Say it with me, “I want to smoke weed, and I don’t want it to be illegal for me to do that”. I would respect everyone a lot more if they would at least cop to that more explicitly, and would appreciate it if they started all of their tirades against prohibition with it.

Anti-Drug/Tight-wads/Liars

He's trying to hold in a fart in this picture

Weed isn’t a gateway drug. The idea of a ‘gateway’ drug is itself absurd. The fact that many hard drug users began their drug-careers with pot in no way shows that it actually causes or leads them to harder drugs. Drug users have to start somewhere, and if pot didn’t exist, they’d just start somewhere else. The problem with people using harder and harder drugs isn’t a problem of the drugs, it’s a problem of the user. If you live in BC and also think that weed will necessarily or likely lead to harder drugs, you are fooling yourself, unless you think that the majority of the population will overdose on heroin some time soon.

Also, cool it with the moral judgements – it’s not the weed that you dislike, it’s the stoners. I’m with you on it, trust me, there is nothing more annoying to me than a slow-witted goon telling me that drugs has given them real, lasting experiences or new understandings about the world – but that’s a problem I have with people, not the drugs themselves. All of the problems you list : that it leads to inactivity, that it is a crutch or shield from deeper psychological problems, and that it can be addictive – these are all problems, but they are properties of the users, not the drugs. Trying to blame it on drugs is like trying to blame the bridge that people jump off for their suicide.   There is nothing in the act of getting high that makes it bad, and with weed, it is extremely hard to cook up extrinsically damaging properties.

Ouu, big words. Who are you trying to impress?

Can it, Fat Joker.

So, just shut up, everyone. Make it legal, or kill everyone that uses it, I’m totally fine with either of these options. It’s not the end of the world if it isn’t legalized. You will still be able to smoke it, just not in the park (though people still totally smoke it in the park). Is it really such a big deal? Is this the debate you’re going to spend your time on? Being an advocate for or against weed is starting to look a lot less like a moral crusade, and a lot more like a superficial, petty argument with each side trying to claim moral high-ground over basically nothing. I will end this with my estimation of the actual root and basis for each side of the argument.

Pro-Weed: I like to smoke weed.

Anti-Weed: I don’t like stoners.

BOOM. Now here’s a cute puppy to make up for the lack of funny in this post.

d'awwww


Weekly Thing – Brought to you by Zoloft

There is a part of me that, for about 80% of my life,  feels like yelling at people about how wrong they are. Normally, I am able to repress this with a strict regiment of anti-social behaviour, alcohol, and video games – but every once in a while, I need to let it out. I have done this once before, and I will likely do it again, so you will just have to bear with me on this. There is a phrase that I need people to stop using (or stop using it in a certain way) in order for me to stave off complete misanthropy.

“It was meant to be!”

This is what I see every time you say it

Chances are you have both heard and uttered this phrase or one like it a number of times. I understand that it is usually used casually or jokingly to point out extreme coincidences or events that work out extremely well for no good reason. Say, for instance, you turn your alarm off in the morning instead of hitting snooze, and wind up leaving really late for work. When you finally get out of the house, you wind up speeding because you are stressed about being fired since this is the third time you’ve been late this month and you’re already on thin ice since your last presentation when you had a bad taquito for lunch beforehand and wound up throwing up all over your client’s seeing eye dog.

And it was never the same again…

Anyway, because you are driving so erratically and cursing yourself for trying out that sketchy mexican place on the day of your big presentation, you don’t see the guy crossing the road until the last second. You slam on your breaks, but it isn’t quite quick enough and you hit the guy. He isn’t killed, but he is hurt. Your rush to his side to see if he is light enough for you to drag into your car so you can dispose of his dead body later (probably in your bathtub with lye, or else in a shallow grave in the forest, you’re thinking), and are surprised to see that he is still conscious and already sitting up. You are also surprised to see that he is the most attractive man you have ever seen. The two of you wind up falling madly in love, and get married.From then on, every time you meet someone new or have a dinner party for your less-successful friends so you can show off your nice apartment, you tell the storyof how you and your hubby met, and every time you end it with, “it was meant to be!”

Everybody loves those stories

Now, I understand the compulsion to do this. With a story like that, there are some variables at play that, had they been slightly different, you would never have almost killed and then fallen in love with your dream man. It is very easy to look at something like this and think, ” wow, there must have been some plan in place, things like that just don’t happen!”. The only problem is that, well, yeah, things like that do happen. You know what else happens? Everything. It’s called Causality, and all it means is that one thing causes or leads to another. If you are alive today, chances are you know about causality, even if you aren’t totally aware of it.  If you are going to try to say that you were “meant” to meet this guy who forgot to look both ways before crossing, you are going to need more than to just say “I NEVER forget to set my alarm!”. It is very possible (in fact much more likely) that you just fell ass backwards into a relationship based on some incredible circumstances. The common reaction to this is something like, “but if I had set my alarm, I would have never met him”. That’s all fine and good, but here’s the thing: So what? You can say that same thing about almost anything that has ever happened to you. If you go back and retrace your steps of your life moment to moment, it’s gonna look a lot like one thing leading to another over and over again. That’s because that is what your life is.  The problem is  you can go back and make a story out of your life no matter when and where you are. With the same logic, someone could say something like  “if I hadn’t been hit by that car because some bitch forgot to set her alarm, I never would have developed a pill addiction! – it was meant to be!”

“It was Fate! lol”

Except we don’t like to think that negative outcomes are “meant to be”, do we? We like to think that big coincidences that enrich our lives are a sign that the universe is aligning the stars just so we can get to the grocery store  just in time to get the last bucket of half-priced frozen yogurt. Let me boil it down to this, Extraordinary coincidence does not imply design – it does not even come close to implying it. Why do we feel the need to make everything a plan? Why does everything good have to be because of something greater? Can’t shit just happen? Maybe the world isn’t a perfectly ordered set of events, maybe it is just a caucofony of events and forces in flux and…gffdafd… adfkjdbutNietzschesays…dafd….

Okay okay, sorry. Got a little carried away there. I won’t drink coffee next time I do one of these posts. Can we all just do me a favour and use this phrase more sparingly though, please?  If we do that, I can get back to arbitrarily praising and slagging various celebrities and pop culture bullshit.

Also, next time you feel yourself wanting to say, “Everything happens for a reason”, just imagine yourself saying that to a kid with AIDS who’s family just shit themselves to death because they didn’t have any clean drinking water. I normally don’t run the “starving kids in Africa” line, but we North Americans need to check ourselves once in a while.

Bonus

In case you hadn’t heard, the guy that played “Random Task” in Austin Powers was just convicted of gun rape. Have a good week, y’all!


Weekly Thing – Brought to you by Nightmares!

Look, I fully realize that call this feature “weekly” is bordering on downright fraud, but bear with me on this. I was busy with work, then I was on vacation, and then I spent a week being lazy for no good reason. It’s my artistic process, and if you don’t get it, then I’m not going to let you borrow my argyle sweaters or crash on my futon.*

The point is I’m back, and I’m going to try to get this back to being a weekly occurrence (much like my rendezvous with your collective moms – SNAP) Alright, enough about me boning your moms, let’s get down to it.

LOOK AT IT

I don’t know what it is like in other areas, but in the lower mainland of BC, you can’t go from one town to another without seeing at least three billboards of this Simon Cowell monstrosity. Look at that shit – what is going on with his eyes! What is that expression supposed to be? Happy? Smug? Some strange combination of constipated and horny? Every time I see this picture, it’s like I can feel Simon Cowell’s hot, overrated breath on the nape of my neck. Who approved this thing? What am I supposed to get from it? Jesus, I just can’t stop looking at that pedo-smirk.

I can’t figure out the connection between “X FACTOR” and whatever it is his face is doing here. If the billboard read, “I want to smell your face”, or “Free Parseltongue Lessons” , then at least it would make sense.  Is it too much to ask that I be able to drive to work or school without being eye-fucked by a greasy music producer? I honestly don’t even really know what the X Factor is, but I can only assume that every episode involves Simon Cowell “accidentally” letting a silk robe fall open while drinking a glass of sherry.

CONTEST TIME

Seeing as how I can’t seem to let this go, I’ve decided to hold a contest around it. Leave a comment on this post with your suggestion of what should be written on the billboards instead of “X FACTOR”. Whoever has the best one will get to plug something in the next post – this can be something that you have done yourself, or just something you want to show other people. Keep in mind, if it is NSFW, it will be labelled as such, and I reserve the right to offer my own commentary or warning if you decide to plug a gif of sailor moon blowing garfield (or whatever it is the kids are into these days) or something along those lines.  I’ll announce the winner in the comments before next week’s post, so check back to see if you’ve won, at which point you can make your plug.

*I have neither of these things.


Weekly Thing-Brought to you by Beer, Hockey, Snow, Melting Pots, Lumberjacks, and the word "sorry".

Dear Comedy Writers,

We all really need to step up our game when it comes to making fun of Canada. For far too long, I’ve had to sit back and watch as jews, asians, hipsters, people of the southern US, and women get ripped apart by offensive yet intricate and well formed insults. I’ll get to my rant about the lack of jokes about white men later, but for now, we need to hit the reset button on the Canada jokes. I am sick of people popping in a hockey or maple syrup reference and expecting it to be a joke. Same goes for the dialect. Saying “me ruv you rong time” isn’t done anymore, and neither should “how aboot some hockey eh?” (That being said, there exceptions to every rule, and under the right circumstances, both of those could be hilarious.) There’s got to be more to Canada that can be made fun of! We are a diverse nation full of ridiculous people and places. There is more to us than being polite or emulating the US! There is more than hockey and beer!

As a Canadian citizen, I have decided to compile a list of silly or funny things about Canada  that are rarely recognized.

Well shit, I guess there isn’t much else. Nevermind.

A wet Canadian Beaver.


Weekly Thing-Brought to you by Brylcreem and Falafel Shack

If you love watching two poorly informed, greasy dogmatists talk over each other about religion, check this out.

Honestly, if it weren’t for O’Reilly’s hilarious “you can’t explain that” argument towards the end, I would almost score this as even. Sure, O’Reilly is an idiot and a blowhard, but Maher seems to only know how to answer questions by smirking and saying “okay” like a smarmy douchebag.

Watching Maher defend atheism is like listening to an arrogant 11th grader. Yeah, sure, I agree with Maher’s conclusion, but how he gets there isn’t much different than how O’Reilly gets to his, and I just can’t deal with his arrogant attitude, especially when it is clear that his knowledge of the discussion is lacking. He tries to make up for it with some hand-waving, but the fact is that he hasn’t done the work to merit being so smug about his conclusions. Is he seriously still pulling the “if God wrote it, why doesn’t it make sense” line? Since when does it have to make sense to you for God to have written it?

Hot holy fuck, now I’m defending religion – Screw you, Maher. Screw you and your stupid hair and your stupid face.