Guest Feature: Honest Sex Advice for the Young and Horny, pt 2

If you are just tuning in, you should go and read Part 1 first, as it will make the rest of this make more sense. For those of you that are caught up, here is Part 2 of Rory’s sex advice for virgins and the inexperienced, and it starts out with a rather uplifting message.

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4. You’re going to be terrible at sex for a very long time.

"Just...nevermind..."

I think 3 should have established this already, but you are going to be terrible at sex for years. Which is why it’s all the more important you should sleep with people you like and trust. Their lies will be more likely to be trusted and thus less discouraging to you. Oh, and don’t pretend that orgasms reveal your prowess. Orgasms hinge a lot on mood.  I have had terrible orgasmic sex and great non-orgasmic sex. It’s a way more obscure concept.

5. Nobody cares about your dick.

And if they do, it doesn't mean much

Really. They don’t. Big dicks are not indicative of anything but increased risk of cervical bruising. And no, that’s not desirable.

6. Nobody fucks that way.

I think he's trying to climb over her or something

Literally every sex scene I have ever seen is just not at all what sex is like. In movies, the problem is that it has to look nice and capture the feeling of sex. Sex feels quite rhythmic and beautiful. But it actually looks like a warthog with its head stuck in a fence. You are generally swimming in a stew of salty viscous bodily fluids by the end. It’s not a beautiful candlelit montage, it’s a gladiatorial battle of vomiting genitals.
In porn, the problem is mostly positions. Everyone recognizes that the characters are fictional and their attitudes unrealistic. However, I get the impression that a lot of young men and women think that women should be flipped on their side and mounted like a segway. This is done for genital displays and no other reason. Women do not have many nerve bundles on the vaginal wall next to the hip joint. Nobody fucks that way.
The truth is, the way the clit and g-spot are positioned with regards to the male penis, variations on missionary generally work out the best – hence its popularity. That’s not to say you don’t try other things, but none of those other things look like porn positions because your bedroom wall does not need a clear view of penetration.

7. Do some situps.

We all know what Yoga is really about

Good sex is not lazy in and out speed fucking. It’s a slower more careful and focused hump. For guys, it’s like trying to thread a needle 50 times a minute with 30 lb weights hanging on your wrist. For girls, it’s like trying to paint the ceiling with a pole while lying down. It’s goddamn hard, is what I’m saying.

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And there we have it.  I feel I should say that while searching for images for this post, I had to google “censored porn” – while doing this, I may have come upon one of the greatest images ever. I guess you could say it is NSFW, so I put it on the next page. Enjoy.


Guest Feature: Honest Sex Advice for the Young and Horny, pt. 1

Rory is a good friend of mine, and when he isn’t screwing up in various ways simultaneously or not returning my calls, he writes some funny and insightful pieces on whatever topics strike his fancy.  This is one that I think we can all enjoy. I have split it into two parts because, well, I felt like it. It has more content and substance than Twilight, so if they can do it, so can I.

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This is for you


My sex advice for the virginious teenager

 
From 13 – 22 years, life is a long journey into how to be around naked things without violating a law. Some are successful, most are me. Nevertheless, a lack of reinforcement does strictly nothing to change the teenage sexual narrative. And don’t tell me it’s just men. Women dress it up in different ways, but twilight and every chick flick for teens is still a sexual narrative. Everything from fashion and music is built on a hot bed of sexual anticipation. A lot of this capitalizes on the fact that it’s anticipation. Most 16 years old have no idea about sex. Since sex education isn’t going to get into the gritty details, it’s left to me alone. So here’s some things you should know.

1. Sex isn’t that great.

 

It's better than this though, I swear

The fact is, not having sex is way more terrible than having sex is great. Let me put it this way, if you’re drowning, breathing is just a pack of personal santas; its the goddamn bee’s knees. So you get to the surface and breathe and that’s awesome, but it immediately blends into the pattern of your life. It’s not that you don’t like breathing, it’s just drowning people will envy it a lot more than you’ll revel in it. Sex is the same way, when you go without for a long time your boner is a gas powered air raid siren that seems to wake the whole neighbourhood. Then you have sex and immediately are able to go about your day. Which is why a lot of people will talk more about wanting to lose virginity or needing to get laid than actually losing it or getting laid. On the other side you have some perspective, on the virginal side, it’s a crotch full of town criers.

2. There is no “ladies man” that can talk down a bad day at work.

LIES

Sex is more than just physical movement. People have to be, and stay, in the mood. The cliche is women are never in the mood and men are always in the mood. There’s some truth to this but it’s actually more true that people are usually in varying states of the mood that rarely line up.

So, maybe the lady is all fuzzy eyed and the dude is angry at traffic, then no sex is going to happen. Maybe she is feeling sexy but got a bad night’s sleep, well then she’s going to bed and no sex. The point is that candles and Barry White don’t make a person less fatigued or stressed. Nothing kills a sex drive faster than a research paper being due in 2 hours. Sometimes it’s an adjustable mood so a massage or something helps, but for the most part, it’s really a variety of distracting and consuming life experiences. So, as a young virgin, don’t expect that being a real “ladies man” or “man eater” or whatever is going to pot your plant every weekday. Most people like sex most of the time but liking sex enough to fuck at the same time as someone else is trickier.

3. Sex is exhaustingly complicated to do even reasonably well.

Pictured: Sex

Which brings us to the next point. The main reason you can’t chat down a headached partner or a sleepy person is because sex is blind gymnastics on a waterbed. It’s not pleasurable if you are not up to the task.
There are guys that will tell you hump methods, oral sex methods, cool tricks for foreplay, but here’s a bunch of reasons why that’s a waste of time.
First off, I could read textbooks on how to throw a ball and I guarantee you I’ll still be an embarrassment at pitching. It’s a muscle responsiveness skill. You have to detect subtle changes because one wrong poke can lose the whole sexual mood. (Which, to call back to 2, is another issue. Getting someone into bed is not really enough to guarantee the mood continues.)
Second, mastering every hump and kiss doesn’t make good sex. In fact, the individual sex acts are pretty repetitive. It’s how one strings these things together that makes things work. No guy in the world cares about a great BJ technique if you have no idea how to make his dick hard. Same with women – you can’t just punch it in dry because you know how to hit the g-spot.
Sex is always about figuring out an order that is both somewhat original without being too surprising. It’s the balance between a defined sex pattern (kiss, fondle, missionary insertion, nap) and the surprise anal fisting. All in all, it’s a complex procedure that demands creativity, physical prowess, and energy – and most people aren’t up to things like that all the time.

Get used to this moment, is what I'm saying

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Part 2 will be posted in a couple days. If you enjoyed this article, toss some cash Rory’s way here to help him fight cancer. If you didn’t, donate some money here to make him suffer.


The New Face of Manliness

You may not think this is the guy with the biggest cojones in the room, no matter what room he’s in, but he is.  This past week, Roger Craig, with his adorable smile and mild demeanor, faced fear, looked it in the eye, and calmly pissed in its face.

Have you ever seen someone stay so cool and contained in a moment like that? Further, how the hell did he hit both of the daily doubles in a row? Watch it again, he doesn’t even hesitate with the first one – he bets it all, answer the clue like he’s simply telling someone his own address, then when he gets the next double, there is a pause, and without even a change of expression, BOOM, bets it all again. There is a gasp from the audience, and he’s just like “yeah”, as if to say, “yeah that’s right, my dick is HUGE”. It’s like he saw it all coming, I’m seriously questioning if he’s human. How do we know he isn’t the next step up from that Watson thing? How do we know he isn’t a warlock or a demon? I’m honestly frightened.

Just imagine that being a skull in his hand

Look at those eyes! That is the cold stare of someone who knows more than he is letting on. I say we check his cellar – 10 bucks says we either find a pile of bodies or some kind of portal to another world.

Maybe I’m overreacting here, maybe this guy is just a Grade A Badass. Either way, he makes that other guy, Ken Whatshisname, look like a pile of old newspapers.

Get a haircut, dummy

My only fear is that maybe Roger has more on his mind than just winning at Jeopardy. Someone that does it that easily must have a higher goal, but with that blank gaze of his, we may never know. I just hope that he doesn’t plan on hurting anyone I care about…

…Oh no…

I say we kill him.

Elder-God Cage! But surely, he is too powerful!

We must protect Trebek

You’re right. But we’ll need help.

You have my knives. I'll bring sandwiches, too

Wow, thanks Fat Joker…

I'll help too! I'll bring cuddles

Cute Bamboo Puppy! We knew we could count on you!
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If you aren’t too busy deliberately avoiding all of my future posts, don’t forget to donate to make my friends suffer!

Can we all just shut up about Weed already?

First of all, I don’t care if you smoke pot. I don’t care if you smoke it once a week, I don’t care if you smoke it three times a day. I also don’t care if you’ve never even touched a joint in your life (though I pretty much call bullshit if you actually claim that). I just want everyone to shut up about how great/terrible it is and how useless/necessary the prohibition of it is. I don’t care. I don’t care if weed get’s legalized and sold at corner stores tomorrow or if the government institutes a stage 5 Code Hale-storm on it and hunts down every last plant, bud and seed and vaporizes it. I just don’t want to hear the same goddamn arguments over and over again.

It’s not the wonder drug that makes everything better, and it’s not a tool of the drug dealers used to get you hooked on more dangerous stuff. It’s just a goddamn plant that you smoke or eat and it makes you feel funny and think about things a bit differently for a while. If i have to hear one more pot head tell me that it should be legal because it is less dangerous than alcohol, or one more anti-drug advocate tell me that legalizing it will lead to widespread use that will destroy the society, I’m gonna set my own house on fire out of sheer frustration.

Don't make me do it - I like my house

Stoners/Pot-heads/Users:

It's a pot-head. Get it?

Let’s face it, you don’t want it to be legal because it less dangerous than alcohol, and you don’t really care about the possibility of reducing gang involvement in it. You want to smoke it, plain and simple. Stop bullshitting me with your pseudo-logical arguments and claims that it is for the good of society or the nation. Say it with me, “I want to smoke weed, and I don’t want it to be illegal for me to do that”. I would respect everyone a lot more if they would at least cop to that more explicitly, and would appreciate it if they started all of their tirades against prohibition with it.

Anti-Drug/Tight-wads/Liars

He's trying to hold in a fart in this picture

Weed isn’t a gateway drug. The idea of a ‘gateway’ drug is itself absurd. The fact that many hard drug users began their drug-careers with pot in no way shows that it actually causes or leads them to harder drugs. Drug users have to start somewhere, and if pot didn’t exist, they’d just start somewhere else. The problem with people using harder and harder drugs isn’t a problem of the drugs, it’s a problem of the user. If you live in BC and also think that weed will necessarily or likely lead to harder drugs, you are fooling yourself, unless you think that the majority of the population will overdose on heroin some time soon.

Also, cool it with the moral judgements – it’s not the weed that you dislike, it’s the stoners. I’m with you on it, trust me, there is nothing more annoying to me than a slow-witted goon telling me that drugs has given them real, lasting experiences or new understandings about the world – but that’s a problem I have with people, not the drugs themselves. All of the problems you list : that it leads to inactivity, that it is a crutch or shield from deeper psychological problems, and that it can be addictive – these are all problems, but they are properties of the users, not the drugs. Trying to blame it on drugs is like trying to blame the bridge that people jump off for their suicide.   There is nothing in the act of getting high that makes it bad, and with weed, it is extremely hard to cook up extrinsically damaging properties.

Ouu, big words. Who are you trying to impress?

Can it, Fat Joker.

So, just shut up, everyone. Make it legal, or kill everyone that uses it, I’m totally fine with either of these options. It’s not the end of the world if it isn’t legalized. You will still be able to smoke it, just not in the park (though people still totally smoke it in the park). Is it really such a big deal? Is this the debate you’re going to spend your time on? Being an advocate for or against weed is starting to look a lot less like a moral crusade, and a lot more like a superficial, petty argument with each side trying to claim moral high-ground over basically nothing. I will end this with my estimation of the actual root and basis for each side of the argument.

Pro-Weed: I like to smoke weed.

Anti-Weed: I don’t like stoners.

BOOM. Now here’s a cute puppy to make up for the lack of funny in this post.

d'awwww


Disturbing Truths, pt. 3: George Lucas

As many of you know, Star Wars has recently been re-re-re-released. All six movies have been upgraded to the newest digital medium. As anyone that has read about this probably already knows, George Lucas has once more made some changes to all six of them. Now, I’m not a big Star Wars fan, nor am I all that conservative about movies. I don’t really care one way or another if Lucas wants to tweak, insert, re-cut, or slow down a scene. It’s his movie, he can do what he wants to it.

I cut my movies like I cut my beard - incomprehensibly

However, not long ago, while bored (read: avoiding homework), I decided to look up just what Lucas had decided to change this time. What I found was disturbing.

He’s been consistently modifying these movies since they came out! Now, I understand that film makers like to go back and perfect their vision (Blade Runner is a good example of a director doing this) – but for 30 years? Something else is going on here. I, being an unyielding advocate for truth – a Knowledge Warrior, you might say – decided that I needed to once again use my expertise in research and intuiting plausible explanations ( previous examples of this here and here) to get to the bottom of Lucas’ obsession.

At first, it seemed as though he was just making the odd tweak here and there. If you go through that list, though, you will notice a very concerning trend. I was alarmed at the sheer amount of changes that he has made to these movies, so I called in sick to work for a few days and told my family, friends, and girlfriend that I was going on a vision quest while I rented a motel room and spent the weekend drinking mountain dew in the dark and surfing the internet. While searching the depths of some pretty intense and obscure Star Wars forums (surprisingly – if you go deep enough into forums, there is more talk about naked Chewbacca than naked Leia). At first, all I found were heated debates over blue vs green light sabres and whether or not jar jar binks was meant to distract the audience from how truly awful everything else in Episode 1 was.

Still better than a trade dispute plotline in a space fantasy

Eventually, though, I found some fragments of truth: A letter from George to his father, a half written draft of a manifesto scribbled onto a KFC napkin, and well over a gigabyte of images stolen from George’s personal laptop (most of which are burned into my brain and will live forever in my nightmares). It wasn’t immediately apparent, but after some careful studying, astutely applied deductive reasoning, and about 3 and a half ounces of pure peyote, I discovered that George Lucas is in the process of changing the Star Wars trilogy into an 11 hour home video of himself playing with action figures and quietly sobbing.

I’m not sure why he wants to do this. Maybe it was his plan all along, or maybe he has finally lost it after years of ingesting nothing but cash, gravy soaked caviar, and whatever get stuck in his beard.Some think that his final plan is to complete the new version of the films and then submit them Cannes Film Festival under the pseudonym “G. L. Ucass”. Cannes will no doubt adore the film and praise it as ” a touching, post-modern take on  gender roles and the current developmental zeitgeist”. After the film wins the Palme d’or, Lucas will have success in main stream culture, nerd culture, and indie/pretentious culture – and once he has done this, all we can hope is that his insatiable hunger for power, fame, and status will be satiated. If not, he will likely turn his attention to the world of sports, with his 3d-outer-space-time traveling remake of “Rudy”.

I don’t know if that is true, but what I do know is true is that: George Lucas is slowly transforming the Star Wars movies into an 11 hour epic movie of himself, alone, crying while playing with dolls.

I wish I could give you the links and details as to how I figured this out, but it is far to complicated, dangerous, and convenient for me to do so.What does our mascot have to say about all of this?

Seems pretty far-fetched

Oh, what the hell do you know, Fat Joker

What was that about KFC?

There we go.

Don’t forget to donate to make my friends suffer/cure cancer!


Things I’ve learned this Week – Plus Announcements!

1. Driving down an extremely foggy highway at 3am while listening to Portishead is not conducive to a stable mental state.

2. I am willing to pay full admission price to watch a 6 minute clip of “The Dark Knight Rises”

3. Pastor’s wives spit.

4. I am growing more and more comfortable with calling teenage boys “punks”

5. All formal models of education can fundamentally be reduced to basic moral statements.

6. It’s a good idea to check who is behind your friend before you point at him and say that he is a member of the Taliban.

7. Pringles are never not good.

8. When strapped for time and creativity, the list format is a cheap, easy way to get a blog post done.

Anouncement 1!

It is my supreme pleasure to announce this blog’s new (and inaugural) mascot: Fat Joker

He’ll be around to offer his invaluable commentary whenever he can. He is an inspiration and an icon of wisdom and good judgement.

Anouncement 2!

We all know that this blog does a lot of good for the world (evidence is pictured above), but I thought it would be a good idea to support some other people doing some good. A couple of friends of mine have decided to do the Ride to Conquer Cancer, which, if you aren’t familiar, is a bike ride from Vancouver to Seattle to raise money for cancer research. They each have to raise $2500 to participate, so they need all the help they can get. If they don’t raise all of it, what they do raise will still go to cancer research, but they want to actually do the ride as well. The story behind their decision to do this is genuinely touching, so go to their team page or their individual pages (Rory, Tamara) to get more information and donate.

If being nice for a goddamn change isn’t a good enough reason for you to donate, how about this: The ride is going to be extremely difficult to both train for and complete, and will likely result in a fair amount of (at least physical) suffering for both of them. I like to see my friends suffering in various ways, so if you want to help me make my friends suffer, while at the same time impressing that girl/guy you are trying to bang, toss these two some cash. Do ittt.

What do you think about this, Fat Joker?

"Needs more chaos. And ham."

Well put.


Breaking Bad to the Future

Considering that one is an action/comedy about the wacky antics of a couple of time travelers, and the other is a grim, often visceral depiction of a man turning to cooking meth after being diagnosed with lung cancer, you might not think that there are many similarities between Back to the Future and Breaking Bad. Well, that’s why I’m here – to expose the hidden connections and structures that underlie the very fabric of…ugh, you know what, just check this out.

First, we have a brilliant, yet unsuccessful scientist…

With varying degrees of swagger

…and a young, brash, ne’er-do-well

With varying degrees of meth addiction

…who form an unlikely bond…


That sometimes involves costumes

…and perform dangerous fringe science in a very recognizable vehicle

Getting weird yet?

Along the way, they encounter violent, unstable villains….

Granted, only one of them explicitly hates manure

…and serious problems regarding bodies disappearing…

Or having to disappear some bodies


…but they overcome these challenges using they’re resourcefulness and a robust knowledge of science

Some science is more fun than others

But hey, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m grasping at straws here…

Yeah, nevermind.


Now just imagine Jesse saying,  “Woah woah woah Walt, hold on a minute…are you saying you built a meth lab out of a Winnebago!?”